Don't Be That Guy When It Comes To Fantasy Football

Excited sports fans cheering their football team on at home

It starts with a simple text.

"I've got the 3rd pick and if McCaffery and Saquon are gone, who should I take?"

And that's how it begins. A simple text. Seems harmless. Yet, potentially so damaging to a friendship.

It's not that a simple answer of "Zeke or Alvin Kamara" is that hard to return, but it is. Because once you go in they won't relent. They won't stop. 

Look, I play fantasy football. I like fantasy football. I hope my team wins. Let me repeat. I hope my team wins. I don't care about your team. I don't care if your team wins. In fact, your team can lose every game, every week and I might take joy in that. And the most important thing to remember, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM.

Many of you think we do. How can we say that? Simple. We listen to your stories all week, all season. We hear you proudly brag about your 9th round pick who caught a 15-yard slant pass and how that gave you a 0.5 point win. Or you proudly boast about the key drop/add you made at 2 am that is the difference in making the playoffs. We want to vomit as you explain how you have a system to secure max points when bye weeks hit. And it goes on and on and on. 

We all love the draft. The draft is fun. It is the unknown. It's our moment to play GM. And yet, we still can't stand you. Yes, you- the guy who screams out loud how the person two picks in front of you just ruined your life by selecting the player you had to the 11th round. Or the moments during the draft you play Mel Kiper and shout out "Wow, that's a reach this early in the draft."

You're the guy who after the draft spends three hours that night analyzing other teams and gives our grades and concludes that there is no way your team will ever lose. You justify that 4th running back and believe you will be bragging in week 12 how great the drafting of him was.

Some of you take pride in your team name and even create a logo for your team. That's nice. We don't care. It's not that we don't like creative names, it's just we don't care. You are the only one who really likes the name and logo.

You're the guy every Sunday that starts that group text with the rest of the league in hopes of generating a trash talk marathon while the rest of us are sleeping, food shopping, spending time with our kids and mowing the lawn. You are the guy who presses send to something that says "You are gonna get beat bad today by the Mighty Morphin Power Rangerz!" You believe the use of "Z" is cool and creative. We think it's just dumb.

You are the guy during games that clicks refresh 8,234 times to make sure "real time stats and scores" is doing its part. You begin yelling at coaches for not having your running back in short-yardage situations and when the 3rd string running back scores, turn to anyone at the sports bar willing to listen and demand the coach be terminated at halftime.

When you find yourself trailing your opponent by 34 before the later afternoon games begin, you double-check the projected score for your team and feel it must be a good predictor and therefore a rally by your team is inevitable.

Most people who play fantasy football do it because it's fun. If they win or lose, it's still fun to play with friends and it engages you in games you might not have no interest in. If you should make back your investment, it's a good season. But we don't dislike that group. No, we dislike you who demands the league winner receiver not just a cash prize, but also a trophy that truly is a waste of league money. Heck, you are the guy who adds "Fantasy Football Champion" below your email signature at work and see nothing wrong with that.

With all that said...enjoy your fantasy season. Just don't be that guy...

FInal thought: The first 7-eleven store to stay open 24 hours was in Austin, Texas in 1963. Up until then, stores were only open from 7a-11p.

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